YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK

Let’s start with this: Yellowstone National Park is HUGE! And it will take you at least three long days to see just the main attractions which are laid out like the five of hearts playing card with an attraction in the top and bottom corners and one smack dab in the middle.  To see them all you will need to eat the elephant one bite at a time and you will need to plan each day out with some precision. 

But don’t worry, I’m going to do all that for you.  I am going to share our three day itinerary from our visit in late September (with advance guidance from my young friend John Rible who traveled there a few weeks before our visit with his family).  I will take the confusing guesswork out of your trip and when you are finished you will be able to say, “I saw it ALL!”  And then some.

That doesn’t mean you still won’t have to make some important decisions, starting with where to stay.  Given the distances you will have to drive, it only makes sense to get a hotel room somewhere in the middle.  

So, you have two choices.  

You can stay in the bustling tourist trap town of West Yellowstone, located just outside the park where the hotel rooms are cheaper and the dining choices are many.  But that will mean you will be waiting each day at the entrance station in a very long convoy of visitors trying to get into the park.  And once you have paid your $25 per vehicle (good for 7 days) to get through the gate, the car and truck parade will stop every time someone sees an animal near the road — which is pretty much constantly.  And then, of course, you will have to drive back out of the park in what is usually an endless stream of vehicles at day’s end.  

Or, you can try and book an expensive room at one of the six Canyon Lodges (they tend to fill up many months in advance).  We went this route and wished we hadn’t. Yes, it was easier to start each day because we were already inside the park, and there were some okay eateries and a general store, so we never felt like we didn’t have everything we needed.  But for more than $400 a night, we had a panoramic view of the parking lot; the energy-efficient lights were too dim to read by (I wore a head lamp each night in bed!); the only Internet was in the main lodge inside a special (and always packed) area the size of a small living room; and the whole green building, sustainability, holier than thou, enviro chest thumping gets a bit old when it’s being done on your dime.  I mean, I don’t need a snazzy video in the lobby, telling me the grand story of how the lodges came to be, or about their fly ash and recycled glass counter tops in the bathroom, any more than I needed the “Smart Refrigerator” to hum all night and light up the room with a blue digital readout so I could watch it change temperature every few seconds.  

Inna and I agreed that we will stay in West Yellowstone the next time we visit the park. 

You will have to decide whether it’s worth paying an extra $200 a night to avoid the traffic jam at the park entrance.  But please keep in mind that once you’re at the Canyon Lodge, you will be limited to one gift shop, two eateries serving cafeteria food, and one limited-selection general store, because there’s no way in hell you are going to leave the park and then subject yourself to the traffic backups.  So, once inside, you are essentially a prisoner of the park.

The next decision you will have to make is what order to cover the park.  There’s the top, the bottom, and the middle. Each section is essentially going to take a day and it really doesn’t matter what order you do them in.  

We caught snow on our first day, so we stayed close to the Canyon Lodge and explored both rims of the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone, and then checked out the nearby Madison Junction geysers along the Madison, Gibbon, and Firehole rivers.  

The next day we went south and visited Sulphur Caldron and Mud Volcano, Fishing Bridge where the Yellowstone River empties into the top end of Yellowstone Lake, Old Faithful and the historic Old Faithful Lodge, and the rainbow-colored Grand Prismatic Spring in the Midway Geyser Basin.  

And on our last day we went north over Dunraven Pass to Tower Fall, the historic Roosevelt Lodge, the Lamar Valley (home to buffalo, grizzlies, and wolves in a setting reminiscent of the Scottish Highlands), and Mammoth Hot Springs. 

How much time you have to see the sites each day will be determined by how long you stay at each one.  We like to walk around, and we tended to do every short hike at most of the scenic overlooks. So that meant we were always pressed for time.

Here is a link to all the trails in the park:  

https://www.trailguidesyellowstone.com/yellowstone_hikes/yellowstone_day_hikes.php

Your next decision revolves around dining.  Many people are going to tell you that you absolutely, positively must dine at the historic lodges for dinner.  It’s an experience of a lifetime.  And you can easily make a grand meal a part of each day’s activities.  For instance, when you are down at Old Faithful, you can catch the show and then grab an early dinner at the lodge.  Ditto with Mammoth or Yellowstone Lake. 

I definitely would recommend that you stop and check out all the historic lodges, especially Old Faithful, but in my humble opinion, dinner is more trouble than it’s worth.  First of all, you need to make a reservation on-line well in advance of your visit. And you can’t pick the time. They will give you a wide range of times to ensure that you have to wait for a seat. That’s a pain in the ass.   And the dining rooms are cavernous and totally packed. It’s like dining in a loud football stadium with high ceilings and marginal views.  And given that they are feeding a packed house for five hours every night, do the math on the probability of the food being really good. Any way you slice it, a dinner in one of the mah-velous historic dining rooms is definitely going to eat up two to three hours of your day.  

Inna and I prefer hiking the trails and seeing the sights, not standing in a long line waiting to be served an assembly line dinner, and we found the cafeterias at each lodge to be just fine and fast.  There was an excellent Fresh Wok shop at the Canyon Lodge, and that’s where we ate every night. You can’t beat steaming noodles, beef, and veggies in a bowl after a long day of sightseeing.

A good compromise might be to do what we did.  We made an early reservation at Old Faithful, Canyon Lodge, and Yellowstone Lake, and then blew them all off when we got there, in favor of a sunset stroll.  But at least we had the option each evening.

You also need to realize that Yellowstone is ridiculously crowded, especially between June and mid-September.  Apparently it’s compulsory for all Chinese people to visit the park and they come in busloads that will boggle the mind and definitely test your patience.  There’s nothing you can do other than take a chill pill. But you need to be prepared for throngs of people from all around the globe wherever you stop in the park.

Which brings us to driving around Yellowstone.  For the most part, it’s an endless stream of terrible drivers in rental vehicles mesmerized by the landscape and with no idea where the hell they are going.  The traffic is usually bumper to bumper. And even when it’s not backed up, the speed limit, which is strictly enforced by the park rangers (one mile over the speed limit will get you a ticket!), never gets above 45 mph.  So when you see that it’s only 20 miles from Canyon Village to Lake Village, you best plan on it taking almost an hour because you need to factor in the sleep-walking buffalo grazing at the edge of the road, sex-crazed elk and moose standing defiantly on the center line, bears begging for food, and tourists stopping in their vehicles to snap a photo.  That means you need to go slow and pay very close attention to what’s around the next bend.

We were up and out by nine every morning and we came back in the dark at the end of each day (sunset was around 6:30).  If you want to see everything, you should count on doing the same. You’ll have more daylight in the summer, but you should carry whatever you might need for a long and unpredictable day because when you leave your hotel, you aren’t coming back until dinnertime or after.

Which brings us to your final decision.  Should I buy the bear spray?  

You can’t swing a cat around Yellowstone without seeing someone selling bear spray.  And there are signs at every parking area, scaring you into thinking there are bears lurking around every corner.  It’s all bullshit.

According to the Park Service: Since 1979, Yellowstone has hosted over 118 million visits. During this time, 44 people were injured by grizzly bears in the park. For all park visitors combined, the chances of being injured by a grizzly bear are approximately 1 in 2.7 million visits.  

And most of the bear attacks happen in the backcountry, a place where few visitors venture, or when some lazy fool goes to bed with food in their tent.  Bears are related to dogs and they see the world through their noses. So, if you have food, they can smell it.

But if you ask me, the whole bear spray thing at $60 a can (or you can even rent one for the day) is a giant con.  And I know there are supposed experts who say it works, but I definitely have my doubts.  I came face to face with a small black bear at the Grand Canyon in 1992, and it scared me senseless.  I can’t imagine standing there and spraying a charging bear, especially a 400-pound grizzly. 

The bear studies are sketchy at best and involve a very small data set — undoubtedly because bears don’t attack humans as a general rule. And in most cases the people testing the effectiveness of the spray initiated the attack to see if the bear would run away if sprayed.  Hardly a valid wild world scenario.

The people who carry bear spray fall into two categories.  There are the numb-nut visitors who don’t know any better and who are genuinely terrified of all wildlife unless it stays at a safe distance.  The second group are the gunslingers.  They wear their repellent in leather holsters and are wannabe cool kid cowboys.

I saw one Park Service volunteer, a guy in his late fifties, working in one of the campgrounds in Yellowstone and he was wearing two cans of bear spray on his hips.  I had a hard time not laughing.

I asked him, “Do you always carry bear spray?”

He smiled and nodded, “I never leave home without it.”

“Have you ever encountered a bear up close, like around here in the campground or on one of the trails?”

He shook his head, “Thank god, no.  I guess I’m just lucky.”

And that’s it in a nutshell, friends.  Literally.

So, here’s my advice.  When you are walking on a trail in Yellowstone, talk loudly.  If a bear hears you coming, chances are they are going to run away.  And if you are hiking alone, sing a song, or attach an emergency whistle to your pack. Bears don’t like loud noises. Or you might carry a bell and put it on your hip so it tinkles as you walk.  I saw a sweet old couple on the trail at Wolf Lake and they were walking along holding hands and wearing little bells around their necks. 

In the final analysis, bees are a much bigger threat than bears (if you know you are allergic, then you should always carry an EpiPen), and most people who die an unnatural death at Yellowstone do so by falling in one of the boiling hot geysers.  So, watch your step!

DAY ONE (Travel Day)

• Drove to Yellowstone National Park from Salt Lake City (280 miles – 6 hours).  Salt Lake is the nearest big city.  But there is a small international airport in nearby Jackson, Wyoming.  It will cost significantly more to fly into Jackson, but it will save you from having to do the long and tedious drive.
• Canyon Lodge Superior Room with Patio + 2 Queens –  $425 a night 
• Here is a link to all of the lodges inside Yellowstone:

https://www.usparklodging.com/yellowstone/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwr-_tBRCMARIsAN413WSMq1zov-WDjiXgZCQoRITtxLDg0w6TVl5hJk2vtwf0iO9xlQPR9fIaAi29EALw_wcB

• Check one of the travel websites like Kayak or Travelocity for hotel rooms in West Yellowstone.
• Late lunch at Elmer’s Diner in Pocatello (German pancake!)

• Walked around Idaho State University in downtown Pocatello.

• Stopped for gas at a truck stop along Idaho 20 and bought beer and tequila in the convenience store.  They sell all types of liquor everywhere in Idaho and Wyoming!
• Stayed in the Moran Lodge at Canyon Village.  The New Canyon Lodges are part of Mission 66 (rustic architectural styles that are long lasting and reduce environmental impacts) which started in 2014. there are five LEED Gold certified buildings that are the largest sustainable building project in the National Park Service. Each building is modular (large, set pieces) assembled in Boise due to heavy winters. The counter tops are made of fly ash and locally recycled glass. And the windows and glass are high performance.
• We ended up not not using our dinner reservation at the M66 Grill in the Canyon Lodge
• For all the eating options in Yellowstone Park, check out: https://www.yellowstonenationalparklodges.com/dining/

DAY TWO

• Breakfast at the Canyon Village Soda Fountain

• Drove the North Rim Drive in the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone

• Brink of the Upper Falls Viewpoint 

• Hiked the steep switchback trail down to the Brink of the Lower Falls

• Hiked to Lookout Point

• Hiked to Grand View 

• Hiked to Inspiration Point

• South Rim Drive in the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone

• Hiked Uncle Tom’s Trail

• Hiked the South Rim Trail to Artist Point

• Drove 12 miles west to explore the Norris geyser area.

• Drove 14 miles south to explore the Madison junction geyser section of the park where the Madison, Gibbon, and Firehole river all converge.

• Ate a yummy, cheap dinner at Fresh Wok in the Canyon Village.

DAY THREE

• Drove south through the Hayden Valley where we got crazy close to a big, dark male grizzly bear, and saw many bison and elk.

• Hiked to Sulphur Caldron

• Hiked to Mud Volcano

• Hiked to Dragon’s Mouth Cave

• Fishing Bridge where Yellowstone Lake, the largest high altitude lake in the world, with its own unique weather, meets the Yellowstone River.

• Old Faithful Geyser.  Eruptions can shoot 3,700 to 8,400 gallons of boiling water to a height of 106 to 185 feet, lasting from ​2 to 5 minutes. The average height of an eruption is 145 feet and the Intervals between eruptions can range from 60 to 110 minutes, averaging about 90 minutes apart. We were lucky and got therein the late afternoon about ten minutes before it blew its top. Expect a HUGE crowd, so arriving early is the only way to get a good view.

https://www.facebook.com/inna.young/videos/10219808072652703/

• Checked out the historic Old Faithful Lodge.  AMAZING!

• Blew off the dinner at the Old Faithful Inn.
• Hiked the Fairy Falls Trail at sunset to the overlook above the Grand Prismatic psychedelic geyser.

• Drove back to Canyon Village (33 miles).
• Ate a yummy, cheap dinner at Fresh Wok.

DAY FOUR

• We took the high road past Washburn Mountain and up over Dunraven Pass (8,850’ and the road will be closed if there’s any snow!)

• Hiked to Tower Fall and I bought souvenirs in the liquor store gift shop while Inna hiked the steep trail down to the Yellowstone River.

• Turned at the Roosevelt Lodge,which was closed for the season, and drove along the Lamar River and then into the amazing Lamar Valley (bison central)

• Drove to Mammoth Hot Springs where we ate a very late lunch at the Terrace Grill.

• Walked around the Visitor Center and Fort Yellowstone where the elk were in full-antlered rut. 

• Hiked the lower hot spring travertine terraces.

• Drove the narrow road up to the upper terraces.

• Drove back to Canyon Village (33 miles).