I’D GLADLY PAY YOU TUESAY FOR A HAMBURGER TODAY

Have you noticed that lately everyone who plays on the big stage seems to be making some very lofty promise?

Promising to fix some critical planetary problem within, say, thirty years is big news. EXTRA! EXTRA! read all about it!

President Biden recently announced a new target for the United States to achieve a 50-52 percent reduction from 2005 levels in net greenhouse gas pollution by 2030.

The Climate Summit in Glasgow is producing, in addition to its incredibly heavy carbon footprint, a laudable laundry list of glowing promises regarding climate change, fossil fuels, renewable energy, and sustainable development. We’re all in this together!

The oil companies like Exxon have adopted catchy tree-hugger advertising slogans like “Advancing Climate Solutions” and are promising to capture millions of metric tons of carbon each year, starting sometime real soon.

And Big Business is not about to be outdone. It seems like every ad you hear these days for virtually any well known company — Home Depot, Bayer, Amazon, all the auto makers, even financial giants — are trumpeting their promises to get their act together and help save the planet by 2030. Oh Boy!

2030 seems to be the most popular “mission accomplished” date. It’s close enough that it sounds significant, but far enough away that it can be easily ignored. Because here’s the thing, anybody can promise to do something in ten, or twenty, or thirty years. It sounds great. But without measurable milestones, there’s no way to make those promises come true. And if our environmental saviors don’t do what they said they would do, they just can go, “Oh well, we tried.” And in the meantime, they painted themselves green and sold a few more widgets.

On top of that, Trump has taught us that the truth is irrelevant and it’s okay — even a winning strategy — to lie through your teeth. And the folks at the top of the food chain are prolific liars with expensive advertising mojo.

These are the Top 10 Causes of Global Warming:

• Power Plants
• Transportation
• Farming
• Deforestation
• Fertilizers
• Oil Drilling
• Natural Gas Drilling
• Permafrost

Even in the face of hurricanes, wildfires, tornados, flooding, and megadroughts, does anyone really think we are going to use less power, drive less, outlaw tree cutting, move away from the water, pay way more for organic food, curtail drilling for oil and gas, give up plastics, or stop using the rivers and oceans as our public dumping ground?

Well, if you do, then here’s a promise: by the year 2076, on the 300th anniversary of America, they will have figured out how to turn horseshit into gold.